Yup! That's a lot of topics for one little post. But guess what y'all. Adoption is complicated.
This post is not sunshine and rainbows, it is not a "feel good" post. This is going to get down and dirty and difficult, and if it hurts, that means you probably need to change something.
1. Adoption is not a dirty word y'all. Don't hide from kids the fact that they are adopted. Don't hide from the world that they are adopted. Don't hide their stories. Tell them the truth. Tell it to them from day 1.
2. It is NEVER too early for them to know their background. Tell them about their birth parent(s). Even if you don't know much about them, make sure that the child knows what they got from them! Their eyes, their nose, their hair, their smile... Make sure they know that their birth parents love them, and that adoption wasn't because they were unwanted.
3. Openness is NOT a threat. It is NOT harmful. Are there situations (especially in foster to adopt situations) where the birth parents are not in a healthy place? Yes. There are. Does that mean you close and lock down completely? NO. You can at LEAST set up an email address where you can send pictures, letters, etc. However, these situations are rare in the adoption community, and the birth parent knowing your names, and knowing the general area where you live is not a danger. Openness is not co-parenting, it doesn't mean that the birth parents will be at your house all the time. Openness is respect. Respect for each other's positions. You, respecting the birth parents and the role they play in the child's life. The birth parents, respecting you as the parents and the ones doing the job of raising the child they entrusted to your care for life. BOTH parties respecting the child, and giving answers, and not lying.
4. Birth parents are NOT scary people. We are not the crazy people in the life time movies. We are your neighbors, we are married couples, we are single parents, we are in highschool, college, and are graduates. We are professionals, we are blue collar workers. We are civilian, we are military. We struggle with mental health, we are mental health professionals. We deal with homelessness, we have good jobs. We are not one set of people. We are people from varying lives, who deal with various struggles, who look and act just like you, only at one time we either were forced to make a decision, or felt like we had to make the hardest decisions in our lives. We are not "sketchy" and weaving webs of emotional deceit and dependency. We don't reconnect with our children to get money out of them.
5. Birth dads don't get mentioned. Birth dads are left out. Many are called liars, many are dragged through the mud, when many times, the agencies or the families or the mothers chose to say awful things about the birth dads, as an excuse to cut them out of the process.
6. Adoptee voices. Hey, adoption world, shut up and LISTEN! LISTEN to what the adoptees need. LISTEN to their stories. LISTEN to those in closed AND open adoptions. Just FREAKING LISTEN! Don't group them together! Some may be content, or at least act content, to know nothing. But if they WANT and NEED their stories, and their genetic histories? Don't act scared, don't tell them it's a waste of time and money, don't tell them that THEIR STORY DOESN"T MATTER when you have the PRIVILEGE of knowing yours!!!!!!!!!!!
Goodnight!
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